Green Cleaning For Reducing Pollutants Inside

Indoor pollutants
According to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, the level of pollutants in the air for two to 100 times greater than in the open field. the indoor air pollution is largely due to volatile organic compounds (VOCs) that evaporate from home decorating and cleaning products.
Walk home and try to identify possible indoor pollutants. synthetic flavoring air scented cleaning products, most of us these products in abundance. AlthoughEasy to use, the non-green products, healthy indoor air, irritation of the respiratory reactions, eye and skin irritation and is harmful to the environment.
According to a report published in New Scientist, have been in homes in environmental sprays and deodorants are used frequently, mothers experienced headaches more than 25 percent and nearly 20 percent more likely to suffer from depression. In the same house, had children younger than six months, 30 percent more ear infections and 20 percent moreThe incidence of diarrhea. The first step in cleaning should take an open window for polluting!
What is Green Cleaning?
green cleaning products affect not endanger yourself, your children, or the environment. That is, the selection of alternative products, with new products successfully and in others to reduce risk, while a level of cleaning and disinfection.
taken into account when choosing the alternative "natural" on labelsmeans "poisonous." There are no government standards for the statements as "nontoxic," "Eco-Safe" and "environment". According to the site of Consumers Union Eco-label, these terms are meaningless.
In the clean green tags below:
Baking powder

White vinegar

Murphy's liquid soap

Sailing

Cotton cloth or sponge

cotton cloth with a minimum of fluff

16 oz spray bottle
Try to reduce green cleaning practices in the health, safety and environmental risks.
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Dating Tips For Long Term Relationship

Once you get to talk hunting Flirt past and commitment, which is pretty official, has engaged in a relationship. After all the hard work involved and the time to sit in the special place in my heart would be fatal for someone to fall down, right? From a relationship is usually quite simple. And "keeping the connection is a bit" complicated. To give you a leg with the dating adventures that has a list of some useful set of meetingstips of the relationship has stood the test of time.
The best relationship advice is be yourself. It looks a bit cliche, but it is easy to get caught in the moment and give your partner a false sense of who you really are. Someone approaches, they show all their secrets and hidden places, it seems random. Sometimes it is not easy to do. Put a wall appears to be emotional This will save some headaches, but in the long run, the wall couldthe cause of his broken heart.
Another tip: a good relationship, communication lines always open. relationships ensure success for effective communication to be strong. Hidden resentments can be poisonous to a relationship. So if something bothers you, try talking about it. Listen to your partner, do you know that communication channels are open, which encourages them to talk about what bothers.
How independent is a piece of usefulRelationship advice. Show him your partner how much you need them, not dedicated to a work of art. It can be as easy to get caught in their emotions, but your partner may feel trapped. reliance is not very healthy for you. You must keep your old life and his new life with his partner in the balance.
Being connected is so important for a physical relationship, but so are physical activities such as hands, hugging, strokingThe watch face and eyes. The maintenance of these behaviors and gestures to keep the romance alive and encourage greater depth of intimacy.
My last relationship dating advice is be careful not to get excited with small problem areas in relationships. Learn to pick your battles will save lots of energy. Ask if a subject worthy of respect, if not released easily. There are costs incurred by small problem much easier to manage thanIs your relationship. The trick is to let go and this is a very important thing you need to master. May also have given this advice before. If I use these cements in your heart that hopes to give all the money.
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Think how good it is, in a happy relationship and intimate

In my practice I see a pair after pair, so busy with everyday life, the needs of children, work, home, etc, who have lost touch with oneself, others and the relationship. This is often done without realizing that someone and he or she makes only one day to discover the lack of connection with their partner, often the perception that the relationship has ended, "is taking shape.

In addition, if a person tired / stressed / burned / used up / down onlycan not do their best and therefore was not his best self in the report. If both this situation, we must overcome a report in which each partner is often difficult, and no one can be a constructive force in the relationship. A downward spiral driven by disapproval, criticism, anger, misunderstanding, frustration, distance and lack of support among in force.

I've often thought about the enormous value of education, and so prepare our childrenwhen young people through programs in schools, for relations. Somehow they are expected and how to foster healthy relationships! In my life, and through my consulting work, I noticed that in general are not limited to an innate sense of how it should be a good partner and how to live "well." All at some point in time with the problems in their relationship. (And if the sample had a growth that was less favorable, as morewell.)

This training must include information that can often be different, but the difference is often good, as individuals and as a man and woman, how to handle this situation, the question of tolerance and good, and all related specifically education and maintaining constructive relationships.

Instead of "tale of Cinderella," we owe our children, instead of what it takes to live for a couple of successful education. Convey the message that a reportis like a flower that needs constant care and attention, and if not, water and care of his cross (even after years of being together). For example, emphasizes education and care we need in our relationship is healthy for the container and that good relationships do not magically appear with a "Happy Ever After" tag, if "correct" the parties together - even with the best care of this association is essential for a good connection.

So those of you whoAt present we are in a dry place for connection of flowers, a choir, usually more. There are skills to learn to apply strategies and make plans. Start of irrigation service and support. (Note also that most couples feel so at some point and not sure which one). And yes, welfare and care, but "fact" or "deserves" to feel the care and maintenance.

Remember, what a great feelingbe in a happy relationship and intimate. You can have the satisfaction of again! Some changes can make a big difference. Here are some specific ideas:

They have 10 minutes of calls per day (well, there's always something in the news, said at work, or simply ask the other day)
Choose to be happy and kind - rather than the right.
To say "how can I help you?"
Say: "How are you?"
Unexpected kiss / hug / smile.
Often, a kiss / hug / smile.
No guilt!
NCritical!
If you choose not absorbed by negative situations or emotions.
decided not offended about questions and answers - Let It Roll off - yes, you have the option.
Larger acceptance (hey can show each other some grace).
Focus on friendship, remember it used to make friends and do some of these things. Think about how we treat our friends - to treat your partner as a species?
Increase your partners self-esteem.
No ventilation and unload their frustrations inYour partner.
Accept the challenge to inspire or influence your relationship doing the best we can. Bringing the best of that report. (Assuming you watched the world and an example of how to be a happy couple, healthy and love in a relationship. And remember that the small audience in his life). Have the courage to see that this has on the relationship and your partner!
Treat people closer to the better - worse, no!
Let - be creative.
Take responsibility to see someone happy and healthy in itself and the positive effect on the world around you. (Emission of which returned positive energy and a bit)
If you need someone to help you where you are and your relationship, you can talk - worth it!

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Saving Your Marriage - 4 Tips to Help You

If your marriage is starting to get intro trouble, there are some things that you can do that can help you save your marriage. None of them are rocket science, they're mostly just common sense, but sometimes it's good to be reminded of what we can do to make things better.

One of the first things you can do is to put an end to all those stupid arguments. Try to learn to just let things roll off your back. By doing this, you will be doing a huge amount to reduce the problems in your relationship, as you will be preventing things from spiraling out of control. You then may find that your partner automatically becomes more reasonable as a result.

The next thing to do is to actually start taking time for each other again. Go out on dates, go to dinner, and spend some quality time together. This may seem like totally obvious advice, but it's surprising just how many couples let this slip.

The other thing you need to do is to make sure your relationship is never boring. Plan surprises for your partner, and make things interesting. It's often too easy to just slip into a boring routine, but you must try to keep the fun aspect of your relationship alive.

Another thing you must be prepared to do is to always show your partner that you love them. Make them feel special and important. Make them feel like they matter to you, like they are important. If you can't think of how to show them this, then just tell them.

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Relationship Rescue - Get Secrets Of Great Marriages From Happy, Passionate Couples

With a 50 percent divorce rate, many children and adults haven't seen what a happy marriage looks like. So they don't know how to model successful love skills to create a happy relationship. You're about to learn the top love skills for marriage success, in a summary of my interview of Charlie and Linda Bloom, a married couple of 38 years who are psychotherapists, leaders of relationship workshops around the world, and authors of Secrets of Great Marriages.

Their new book is based on conversations with a hundred people who are wildly happy in marriages lasting an average of 30 years and still going strong. The most common trait among these happy couples is a total commitment by each partner to give 100 percent to make their relationship great.

Did these couples start their marriage with this total commitment?

When they married in their early 20s, they didn't know how life would throw them around through the years. Their total commitment deepened and grew out of being tested in time. They had to keep choosing to stay in there and develop resilience, responsibility and persistence to make the marriage great.

What are other common qualities in happy couples?

They all were equally accomplished at self care and taking care of their partner, tuning into the way they and their partner need to be loved.

Charlie said they also were good at handling differences without letting them turn into conflicts, appreciating differences without judging or trying to change your partner to be like you.

Is it best to choose a partner who's just like you with common interests?

Linda said it's wonderful to have interests in common, doing things you both enjoy. But they found It wasn't the interests in common as much as it was having interests. These happy couples are each alive, passionate, deeply engaged and doing things that bliss you out. Then bring your happy self to your partner.

If both of you are exactly alike, then one of you is unnecessary in the relationship. And it can get boring, Linda said. That's why we're rarely attracted to people with the same strengths and gifts.

Is that why opposites attract?

The Blooms don't view it as opposites. They said we often are drawn to a partner who is complimentary and developed in areas that we are not--as a way to experience wholeness in our life. We can become more versatile when we team up with someone who brings new gifts and strengths to give each other and become our greatest teachers.

What love skills do you need to create a happy relationship?

Charlie Bloom said you don't need a masters degree in relationships or love skills fully formed before you enter a relationship. You actually learn on the job. You have to be willing to learn from your experiences, to consider other perspectives, to admit it when you are wrong and alter your behavior that isn't working for you and your relationship. With those love skills, you won't get stuck in negative patterns.

How do these happy couples keep passion and love alive, even after looks fade?

They never put their relationship on cruise control. They go out of their way each day to express love, to gift each other with touch, kindness, appreciation and gratitude, knowing they and their partner will thrive when they take good care of the relationship. This is how you make sure that you don't drift apart which is what takes many couples down. They are creative in showing the love in their heart.

Should the relationship be the complete and total source of your well being?

It's important to have a life of your own so you don't make your relationship your only source of happiness. When you commit to a greater cause like family, community service or spiritual practice, it's easy to let the petty annoyances in relationships roll off your back.

Why do so many seemingly happy couples split at the 20 year mark?

Linda said that between ages of 30 to 50 the mid-life crisis often arises, and you can feel unhappy with your life and it can appear that their angst and restlessness is coming from their partner instead of within themselves. It's usually a sign that a big change is necessary within yourself, make the descent into your dark shadowy realms so you can rise in the higher realms, hopefully with your relationship intact.

Charlie said the kiss of death for any relationship is to expect your mate to make you happy. That's your total responsibility.

How can couples prepare for the tough challenges they eventually will face in a relationship?

Develop qualities you need to overcome challenges, like courage and saying what you feel and need with finesse without alienating or frightening your partner. When you develop compassion, kindness, integrity, honesty, generosity tolerance and forgiveness, then all your relationships benefit. When the inevitable health or financial crises come, you've developed the core strength and resilience to move through each challenge.

How important is great sex to a great relationship?

Without exception, couples continued to have a vital and fulfilling sexual relationship throughout the decades. As physical challenges arose later in life, they found creative ways to give each other pleasure on a regular basis.

How do singles choose their best love match for a great relationship?

Linda tells singles to stop looking for the partner of your dreams and become that partner. Bring out your best qualities and do work and activities you love so that you attract a match who loves the same things and has a higher level of commitment and integrity. Find someone with a sweet heart, inner kindness, and someone who's willing to work with you to create a happy relationship no matter what challenges you face in life and love.

Linda and Charlie Bloom and I are on the same love wavelength, Their smart love tips reinforce what you hear from me in my articles, radio show, love guides and novel with songs. That's how the Tribe gains all the love skills you need to love deeply and live your dreams now.

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Children and Divorce - The Top Ten Things to Remember When Re-Entering The Dating Game

Children of divorced parents definitely have something to say about their parents dating again after divorce.

I interviewed several children of divorced parents and they, without hesitation, had some things to say. Understandably, the comments are sometimes noticeably different amongst age groups but universally they all want to be heard and respected as they are introduced to a new partner entering into a new relationship with their biological mom or dad.

Here is the advice given by both boys and girls, ranging in age from 12 to 20.

No. 10

Listen to your children.

While some kids did not find it difficult to talk to their dating parent about their new relationship, many found it hard to communicate their feelings without it being disregarded. It is extremely important that you listen to their requests and acknowledge how challenging this may be for them.

No. 9:

Be respectful of the transition period.

While the needs of a teen may be entirely different than the needs of a six year old, the transition period is extremely important.

For teens, they don't need, nor do they want, the new partner to just jump in and be a part of the family. Time has to be given to the transition of adjusting to this new person. In general, all kids wanted the new partner to take interest in their life, however, teens want it played out very different than younger children.

Teens are not interested in the new partner giving parenting advice unless they are solicited. New partners need to learn to ask questions, show interest in the things they do but don't give advice. Don't go over board and try too hard; they will sniff that out.

No. 8:

Don't rush it.

Be careful to not introduce a new relationship too fast. Introduce the new partner in subtle ways like coming to dinner and then going home. Keep the dating scene away from the kids for a while. Don't bring home a different person each weekend.

Make sure there is something forming before you introduce your kids to the revolving door of dates. If the kids think you are just good friends and the relationship ends it won't be so hard on them. Having a relationship (or relationships) that are propelled into the family structure and then end abruptly is very difficult on the children.

They not only experience the adjustments to this new person but they may also develop feelings or a connection that will be devastating to them if they, too, go away like their mother or father did. A 17 year old boy said, "they have a responsibility to develop the relationship after they know the relationship with the parent is going to go somewhere".

In essence, he is asking that the new partner not commit to building a relationship with him until he is sure he is going to be sticking around for a while. I

No. 7:

Don't discount the previous marriage.

Several kids commented on the fact that the immediate replacement of a partner by one of their parents made them feel that their parent's marriage didn't mean anything. They were certainly not comfortable when the parent compared the new partner with their divorced spouse.

Be careful of the message you send when you bring a new partner in too quickly and denounce your previous marriage; it sends mixed messages to your already confused children.

One teenager confessed, "I think they need to have high standards. I think at some level if you made all this effort to divorce and then bring home just anyone it is almost hurtful... disrespectful because they just pick up just anybody. It is a slap in face to the kid because the parent goes thru this whole divorce and then just jumps into a new relationship. It is disrespectful to the marriage because they dishonor or fail to acknowledge their previous failure."

No. 6:

Your new partner should just be themselves.

Don't try to be something you are not. Kids will eat you up if you try too hard to be cool. One 17 year old girl reported, "I don't have to like you but I want to respect you. That is all you should be looking for; not I want to be cool, whatever it takes. What you should focus on is 'do they respect me?' And the ways that that can happen is being yourself, not trying super hard to impress us. Kids are not stupid; they know when you are being someone you are not."

No. 5:

Your children still need you.

Remember that children of divorced parents have felt the sense of loss in a big way. They have experienced the physical separation and the emotional separation.

During the divorce process, the kids have had to adjust to you not being fully available. The stress of the divorce can often leave a parent distant and moody. Now compound that with a new partner that comes into their lives and takes away the valuable time they have had with their parent.

A 16 year old boy shared, "I was a jerk at first because it was a competition thing. I wanted her time and she was devoted to him. I just started acting rude because I didn't like him and didn't like him taking my mom away from me".

No 4:

They will test the new relationship.

Be ready for conflict or personal attacks out of nowhere. It's a test, merely a test.

A 17 year old teenage girl reports, "The whole point of it is to see you buckle. To see you fall. They want to see your strength, your personal confidence; it is a test. Don't take it personally like they hate you. You should let it roll off your back and flip it back; it's a game... Kids don't want to see their parents with someone and they want their parents to kiss and make up and get back together so when their parents are with someone else, the kids are going to be bitter, at some unconscious level, try to drive them away."

No. 3:

Be sensitive to blending families.

Blending families after divorce can be very difficult. Not only is the parent expecting their children to adjust to this new adult but they often have their own children, too. There may be age differences or personality differences or lack of interest in each other's activities.

One teenager struggling with this very issue says, "I think a lot of it depends on the age. If they're a few years younger it can be a nuisance because they look up to you and bother you but it becomes annoying because they hang onto you. But if they are older, that is cool because you have someone to look up to. But if they are way young, toddlers, I think it would be great except if I have to become the babysitter. Make sure you hire babysitters; unless they pay you well, you shouldn't expect the older kids to baby sit your date's children just to be a good daughter... unless you have a very honest conversation with them about it."

No. 2:

Only one set of parents, please.

Kids overwhelming felt that the new partner does not get parenting rights.

A 17 year old girl summarized it well by saying, "Just because you are dating my mom doesn't mean you get parenting rights with the kids. For example, if a kid is talking to their mom about curfew, they don't have the right to tell them when they need to be home. Now, if I grew up with that person for some time or if they are there 24/7, then it might be different. But if they are there just part of the time, they don't have the right."

No. 1:

PDA is not okay.

Overwhelmingly, at all age groups, public display of affection was very difficult for the kids. Here is what they said:

"There is an underlying rule that you shouldn't have a lot of affection in front of your kids. Random kisses are okay but holding each other and making out is not okay."

"Affection makes me uncomfortable. It is hard for the kids because they have to witness the family fall apart and now they have to witness them with someone else. Keep their affection private to a degree but not making out on the couch."

"It is weird to think of my mom having sex with another man. It takes time to adjust they need to give us that time."

"No PDA for a while. I don't want to see it. They can do it on their own time. I actually am not too bothered if they spend the night. I just don't want to see it in front of my face."

The key to introducing a new partner in your life is including the children in the process.

They don't need anymore surprises. Depending on the depth of your relationship, discuss the situation and solicit their comments. They can then feel a part of this new process of dating after divorce.

For more information on helping children and divorce, head on over to our website below.

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Why Can't I Do It Myself

The lawn was filled with briers and thistles. It was like a web spreading out and capturing my once beautiful green grass. How could this have happened? I did everything right! I toiled and slaved in order to have the most perfect lawn and garden and now my labor resulted in overgrown weeds.

I immediately took action and fought against the weeds with the strongest weed killer on the market. Instead of killing the weeds, my lawn began to die. I read the label and did everything right still nothing was working to rid my lawn from those evil weeds.

Finally, I fell on my knees and began to pull one weed out at a time. I spent hours pulling and weeding every inch of my lawn. No matter how hard I worked the weeds grew stronger against me producing ten where there had been one before.

I thought about what was happening to my garden and pondered why all my efforts seemed to be wasted. Suddenly the Holy Spirit encompassed my thoughts and opened my mind to view the world just like the lawn I was so desperate to save.

Satan had taken the once perfect creation of God and corrupted it with just one temptation. When Adam and Eve began eating from the forbidden tree of good and evil our world began to fill with sin. It was like a weed sprouting and spreading rapidly though the world and capturing the perfection of the once beautiful garden.

Now, no matter how many efforts we make as human beings to control sin in our lives we are corrupted by our society and environment because of the decisions others have made before us. Temptations that lead us down many paths that are meant to block us from ever getting the sin in our lives under control and winning our game of life for good.

Our lives are suppose to be more than fulfilling our daily needs and wants. We are here to overcome the greatest tempter of them all! Satan the deceiver and evil corrupter of all mankind.

Because our world is not perfect, we must come to many valleys of decisions. We are not automatically good. We don't automatically make all the right choices. We can be easily persuaded to give into the way the world thinks we are suppose to behave, instead of the way God wants us to behave.

For instances if you are born within a country where there is a dictatorship then you are told how you are suppose to live by the rich leaders who benefit from the hierarchy of the government. They control who you worship and teach you how to think according to their belief system. They limit your choices and use force to make you conform.

If you live in a country with a democracy that gives you the freedom to pick and choose, then you have the corrupting forces of many choices. Free enterprise opens doors to giving people the ability to become very rich and for other people to become very poor. Democracy also gives you the ability to pick or choose your religion or to not believe in God at all.

What religion we are raised in also persuades us according to the doctrine of their belief. They teach us how to worship God. Some even use God as a means to start wars and massacre people who refuse to believe as they do.

Not only are we corrupted by our world governments, but we can easily be persuaded to follow our peers. Schools educate our children but they are also 'breeding grounds' for gangs and for our children to follow the crowd, because of peer pressure and the desire of fitting in with their friends.

It seems the weeds of sin have corrupted every good thing that was once made perfect by God. The garden of the world is now filled with thorns and briers that are meant to lead all people from going down the right paths of life. Everyone is under the evil corrupting power of sin.

Romans 3: 9b-18, "I have already shown that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under the power of sin. As the scriptures say: There is no one who is righteous, no one who is wise or who worships God. All have turned away from God; they have all gone wrong; no one does what is right, not even one. Their words are full of deadly deceit; wicked lies roll off their tongues, and dangerous threats, like snake's poison, from their lips; their speech is filled with bitter curses. They are quick to hurt and kill; they leave ruin and destruction wherever they go. They have not known the path of peace, nor have they learned reverence for God."

We are all like Adam and Eve. We have all given into temptation and been lured into giving into our desires for riches. We have all been given over to the corrupting forces of evil thinking because of how our world is set up.

Because our world is bad, we are all destined to sin. This is the reason why it is difficult to have a good marriage apart from divorce. This is the reason why people are easily persuaded to do drugs. This is the reason why there are wars and countries filled with corrupt government officials. This is also the reason why murder and all types of evil things happen to people.

The garden of the world is filled with weeds of over grown sin sown for the very purpose of persuading all who live here to do wrong. The only way we can weed the sin from our lives is by making a conscious effort to do what is right and still we are subject to failure.

Romans 7: 17-23, "So I am not really the one who does this thing; rather it is the sin that lives in me. I know that good does not live in me-that is, in my human nature. For even though the desire to do good is in me, I am not able to do it. I don't do the good I want to do; instead, I do the evil that I do not want to do. If I do the evil that I do not want to do, this means that I am no longer the one who does it; instead, it is the sin that lives in me.

So I find that this law is at work: when I want to do what is good, what is evil is the only choice I have. My inner being delights in the law of God. But I see a different law at work in my body-a law that fights against the law that my mind approves of."

This is the reason why many people cannot quit smoking. They are chained to their addiction. This is the reason why there is alcoholism and people who over eat. This is the reason why wife and child abuse exists. Every form of sin comes in and grabs people and enslaves them to do the will of their addictions.

World leaders give into their addiction for power, greed and fame. Every government and society developed and built by men can never be good because all have the corrupting power of sin. It is like a virus that affects all the levels of government throwing away the theory of good government and corrupting it with people who use power for their own ambitions.

This is the reason why Sadam and Hitler were able to lead countries into committing horrible monstrosities against people. This is the reason why there is genocide occurring in Africa. This is the reason why war is used as a means to steal oil.

If our world is so corrupted by sin then how do we weed it out of our lives? We must believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior. Faith in Jesus is the only way we can be saved in an evil world. For we are unable to walk in this world and live free from the pull of sin on our lives.

Romans 8: 1-6, "There is no condemnation now for those who live in union with Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit, which brings us life in union with Christ Jesus, has set me free from the law of sin and death. What the law could not do, because human nature was weak, God did. He condemned sin in human nature by sending his own Son, who came with a nature like man's sinful nature, to do away with sin. God did this so that the righteous demands of the Law might be fully satisfied in us who live according to the Spirit, and not according to human nature. Those who live as their human nature tells them to have their minds controlled by what human nature wants. Those who live as the Spirit tells them to, have their minds controlled by what the Spirit wants. To be controlled by human nature results in death; to be controlled by the Spirit results in life and peace."

When a person acknowledges their inability to stop sinning and they give their addictions to God, He helps them overcome the power of sin in their lives. Only through giving our lives to Jesus Christ are we given the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit that fights against the power of sin in the world.

Once I understood why my garden was full of weeds I began to fall on my knees and ask Jesus to save my lawn. What I could not do on my own, I could do when the Spirit of God was supernatural helping me to overcome the sins I would face during my lifetime.

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Forgiveness - The Stain Remover After Trauma

I was at the scene of the crime again two days later when the carpet repair workers removed the areas that were stained. When they ripped up the carpet, I saw the truth. Beneath the small visible bloodstains on the top of the carpet, the blood had spread in two giant puddles that almost outlined the upper part of a body. That scene gore beneath the surface has reappeared in my mind many times since that day.

When my father had died of cancer about six years prior to my mother's murder, I had handled his death without undue grief. Perhaps it was because we had anticipated his eventual death as cancer ravaged his lungs. There was time for adjustment. But my mom's murder was so sudden, so violent.

For almost four months, I could talk of the murder only to family and friends. At about four months, I shared it for the first time in a talk. It was an emotional experience for me and for the 500 people who heard the Story but it felt healing to talk about it. Throughout that first year, I had shared the story of my mother's murder and my struggle with forgiveness at about five conventions. Telling the story helped me deal with my grief and helped people in the audience empathize with our common struggles at forgiving people who have wounded our minds and souls. I could forgive in the midst of great rage only as I began to empathize. My empathy with the kid who had done the evil to my mother, which had eventually wounded me and the rest of my family, had unleashed an awareness of a spreading stain within my own heart.

Blessedly, I was not left to wallow in the gooey stain of revenge. I recognized quickly that Jesus had died that I might have forgiveness and be washed clean of that stain. I thought, If I have received forgiveness for the stain in my heart, then who am I to withhold forgiveness from this youth. With that thought I released my desire for revenge, my hatred, my bitterness, my desire for punitive justice. I forgave and paradoxically the chains that bound me to the youth in hatred fell from my heart and set us both free. That did not end the story. Like the blood on the carpet, so much more widespread underneath than on top, the awareness of the stain in my own heart did not end when I forgave the youth for his murder. Instead, as I have reflected on, spoken about, and researched forgiveness, I have seen how utterly unforgiving I often am. Before the murder, I thought of myself as a fast forgiver. Since becoming aware of the stain, though, I have seen underneath the carpet that covered my heart. I have seen the many times since then in which I have been offended and responded with unforgiveness.

I do not think personality characteristics explain all behavior, but I have found one personality characteristic particularly relevant for forgiveness. As Caprara has observed, some people tend to be ruminators and others are dissipators. Ruminators think, worry, and stew over events. Dissipaters seem to let troubling events roll off of them. Ruminators tend to have more depressions, anxieties, fears, and hostilities than do dissipators. I am a dissipater, which means I probably suffer less with many of my troubles than do most ruminators with theirs. Yet merely because dissipators let go of anger and fear more quickly than do ruminators does not mean they are Immune to unforgiveness. They do not stew about it as much. The stain can be just as wide, just as messy. Furthermore, because ruminators are often more aware of their struggles than are dissipaters, they are often primed to do something about their problem of the stain.

My mother's murder allowed me to experience forgiveness which helped heal my trauma. Even better, though, it helped me to become aware that I needed a heart transplant because unforgiveness is more of a struggle for me than I ever thought it could be. It helped me rely on Jesus Christ more because I could not rely on myself to keep a clean heart. So, like Solzhenitsyn in the gulag was able to say, Thank you prison camp for bringing this illumination into my life, which otherwise I would have lost,2 I can then thank God because in the trauma of my mother's murder he has brought good from it. I now can honestly say to my mother's murderer, like Joseph said to his brothers, you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. Through that murder, many people have received a message about forgiveness when we have been wronged or harmed that could not have been shared with the same Impact. I have told a story of forgiveness on national TV in the United States and in South Africa, spoken about it at many conferences, taught about it, written about it. A mother whose son had committed a murder himself once told me that my understanding and empathy with the youth who killed my mother helped her see that people could empathize with her son without condoning his act of murder.

Forgiveness has been both a revealer of the stain of unforgiveness in my own heart and simultaneously the washer of my heart in the bloodshed on the cross. Nothing can turn an evil act into good, but God is truly greater than evil and can use it for his good purposes. Yet knowing this does not empower me to share glib answers with people who are suffering trauma. It is too trite a truth to utter aloud as a person is trying to make meaning of a loss or an injury. As counselors and caregiver, we are best advised to enter into suffering with the personas frail co-participants, dependent with the person on God. We are not called to point to the stain on the persons suffering heart nor to try to cover tears with happy faces. We are called to share in humility and empathy with the one who is struggling or grieving and let the Holy Spirit use us or other instruments, if he wills, to accomplish Gods work of healing and forgiveness in that person's life.

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Heal Your Broken Heart With EFT

EFT is a form of psychological acupressure that uses a gentle tapping technique instead of needles to stimulate traditional Chinese acupuncture points. The tapping on the designated points on the face and body is combined with verbalizing the identified problem followed by a general affirmation phrase. Combining these ingredients of the EFT technique balances the energy system and appears to relieve psychological stress and physical pain. Restoring the balance of the energy system allows the body and mind to resume their natural healing abilities. EFT is safe, easy to apply, and is non-invasive.

Guys (and ladies), I was able to drop the accumulated anger, depression and fear from being dumped after 7 years with a lady I thought was my best friend and soul mate, in a little over two weeks!! This was after MONTHS of AGONY! I can honestly say that today, I could walk by my ex on the street with no more feeling than any other stranger! I'm back to enjoying my life BIG TIME!

EFT is just ONE of the techniques I will be recommending in the coming weeks! I want to share another method, which raises the threshold of your mind/emotions so that things that used to BUG you, will roll off your back like water off a duck's behind. I truly believe that EFT can heal a broken heart and help you achieve your life's dreams. EFT works even where conventional therapy doesn't. You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by giving this a shot.

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Strategies to Help You Win Custody of Your Kids - "In the Best Interest of Your Child"

It is truly amazing to see how many parents act like bickering children when involved in a custody dispute with their ex. I don't mean to be harsh but so many parents act with such immature behavior during a divorce and/or custody dispute and basically ignore the emotional needs of their kids. To their defense, extreme stress can wreak havoc on the best of us so I don't really blame them. If you are smart and you really do want custody of your kids then you can use this innate human stress response to your benefit and show the courts that you truly do have the best interest of your child at heart.

What I mean is that, if most of the people are acting immature which unfortunately is the expected response these days and you take the opposite expected response by not participating in the childish arguments and games that warring parents often do, you will come across to both your kids and the courts as the more responsible parent.

Now I'm not saying that it is easy to ignore your ex when they are constantly late in dropping your kids off when it is your time to be with them. But by taking a step back and letting it roll off your back, you are giving your kids a huge stress relief and showing the courts that you are keeping the best interest of your kids in mind while the other parent is not (you probably don't want to come straight out and accuse them of that though.) Do keep a log of issues like this for future use if necessary

Most kids are really hurting emotionally during a divorce and parents who put them in the middle are only hurting them more. It is not their fault at all that the divorce happened, but many kids think it is.

It is very important to explain to them that it was not their fault and that no matter what happens (believe me kids minds can think up some crazy stuff) you will always love and be there for them. Kids don't have the same mental and emotional capacities that adults are supposed to have, so they need extra help in dealing with the issues.

Try very hard to keep their routines in tact even if it means inconveniencing you sometimes. Once things have settled down (and it can be awhile before this happens) then you can change things a bit to make it easier on everyone.

Some common things the courts look for in determining "The Best Interest of Your Child" are:

1. Keeping the kids enrolled in the school district that they have already been attending.

2. Even though it may be difficult, try to include the other parent in big decisions, such as medical and school. This shows the court that you are respecting the wishes of the other parent, even if you don't act on those wishes.

3. Don't make it difficult on your kids just to irritate the other parent. For example don't return them late if you know that they have a soccer game to get to. This puts your kids in an uncomfortable situation.

4. Remember that your kids love both of you very much, so try very hard not to talk negatively about the other parent in front of them and don't make the kids a messenger for notes, money, etc. It is not their responsibility and it is not fair. A judge will most likely look at this as hindering the best interest of your child.

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Dating Relationship Advice For the Long Term

After you get past the flirting, the chase, and the commitment talk, it's pretty much official; you're in a committed relationship. After all the hard work and time you put into getting to that special place in someone's heart it would be disastrous to fall flat on your face, right? Beginning a relationship is usually pretty easy. It's maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. To give you a leg up with your dating adventures I have put together a list of some worthwhile dating relationship advice that has stood the test of time.

The best piece of dating relationship advice is to be yourself. It sounds kind of cliche but it's easy to get caught up in the moment and give your partner a false sense of who you really are. Letting someone get close, showing her all your secrets and hidden places isn't a casual act. Sometimes it's not very easy to do. Putting up an emotional wall might seem like it is saving you some heartache but in the long run that wall could be the cause of your heartache.

Another excellent relationship advice is to always keep the lines of communication open. Successful relationships depend on effective communication to be strong. Hidden resentments can be poison to a relationship. So if something is bothering you, try to talk about it. Listen to your partner, let her know that the communication channels are open; encourage her to talk to you about what's bothering her too.

Being independent is a helpful piece of dating relationship advice. Showing your partner how much you need her, without getting too clingy is a work of art. It can be so easy to get caught up in your feelings, but that can make your partner feel trapped. Being overly dependent isn't very healthy for you either. You need to keep your old life and your new life with your partner in balance.

Staying physically connected is so vital to a relationship but so are the other physical activities like holding hands, cuddling, caresses of the face, and gazing into each other's eyes. Maintaining these behaviors and gestures will keep the romance alive and stimulate greater depth of intimacy.

My final dating relationship advice is to be careful not to get worked up over the little problematic areas of relationships. Learning to pick your battles will save you a lot of energy. Ask yourself whether an argument worth your relationship; if it isn't, simply let it go. It's much easier to let small issue roll off, than to let it cost you your relationship. The trick is to truly let it go and this is one critical thing you must master. You may have even being given this advice before. If so I hope this cements it into your heart so you will give the relationship your all.

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Toxic People & Relationships

Are you a toxic person/personality? And what is even meant by that? A toxic person is one that is negative almost all of the time. This is the type that looks at a beautiful day and says "it could be nicer". We all have this type of personality in our lives now, or have in the past.

As it relates to business this is the individual that makes a million dollars and then complains about having to pay taxes.So what type of person are you? Have you ever been this way and then made the turn around? Let's face it, we all have our down days. Some just take it and let it roll off their shoulders and yet others take it to heart and those are the ones that I am writing this article for.

So let's evaluate the different types, and this is not all inclusive by any means, of toxic people in our lives:

1: The "naysayer". This type will argue, no matter what, with anything and everything that is said or decided.

2: The "nothing is good enough". This type will, no matter how great things are, find something to gripe about.

3: The "I'm not happy, so no-one else should be". This one is quite possibly the worst as they will always try to pull others down ino their depressed and negative state with them. This is one of the most devastating types to be involved with in our personal lives, and our business lives. (This type was the primary cause of my divorce)

4: The "the grass is always greener". This type always tries to beat the neighbor or the person competing with them in business and regardless of the level of their success continues to try to "one-up" everyone else. *This one can be healthy if kept in check It becomes unhealthy when our happiness depends on it.

5: The "if you are not with me, you are against me". This type believes that everyone should be as miserable as they are, and that is the natural state of things. This is very closely related to the type described in number 3. You will find that these all intersect.

6: The "I am always right and you are always wrong". This is what I call the narcissist. This type of personality really believes that they are always right and everyone else's opinion does not, and should not matter. This is a difficult one to deal with, however, I am about to go into some ways of dealing with all of these types as they all correlate.

That should be sufficient for now. As I stated, I am not by any means going to get them all. So how then do we deal with this type of personality and keep them from permeating our lives and our personality? I am going to be speaking from my experiences here. I am NOT a psychotherapist and I do not follow the DSM3 or the DSM4. Just for those that would be this type and criticize this article. LOL.

I have found that the easiest way to deal with the ones of this type of thinking in business is to NOT associate with them. Hmmmmmm. Well Nathan, that is easier said than done? Right? Not really. At any time did I say it was going to be easy? Well, no I didn't, and for good reason. It is neither easy, nor is it comfortable....for you, or the other person or people involved.

I personally, cut ties with any and all people that I do business with that behave in this manner. It is not always easy and it is by no means comfortable, so why then do I so readily do it? They will not be paying my bills or putting a roof over me and my families head. It is a matter of principle. Too bad, so sad.......NEXT!!!!

Now to the most difficult one. What do you do when it is family and/or close friends? There are a number of ways, and trust me folks I have tried many ways and they do not always insulate you from the affects of the behavior completely. Thus, the everyone has bad days statement earlier. We all have them. When I was married to my last wife, she was very negative. Nothing was good enough, no amount of money was ever good enough, what was for dinner was never good enough.......I think you get the idea here.

I must say this. I did not love her any less and this is where it gets a bit sticky. I noticed that this negativity was depressing me and it was affecting not only our relationship, but my relationships with everyone else. I ended up on an anti-depressant (probably the most over prescribed medication in the USA today) and knew that I didn't want to keep living this way. I knew I could not afford to continue for the sake of our son and my being able to support him.

I made the decision that it was best for the sake of my son's welfare, as well as for my own sanity, to end the marriage of almost 10 years. We tried counselingand for a short while things did improve but in the end the marriage was over. It was not an easy decision, however, was one of the best I have ever made. Now, to get into extended family and other friends. This is a bit easier. We have our interactions with our extended family and friends at our discretion. This one is controllable.

Just like in my business dealings, I NEVER make it personal. We cannot do it in our personal lives either without becoming the way those we are dealing with are. I love my family and I love my friends enough that I choose to distance myself from the ones that are so negative that they affect my attitude and personality. This way we can remain friends and the love stays in tact.

The people I have been discussing are not "evil" people. They are not this way always by choice and too many factors play into them being the way they are and we must cut some slack without it infecting us. Toxic people are, in many ways, diseased. Whether it be by choice, upbringing or simply socialization. It is not for us to decide which of those was the cause.

We must simply choose our best course of action in order for us to live healthy and successful lives and to see that our children do the same. So what if our child is this way??? Then we better begin doing some soul searching, as it were, and find out why. After all, they learn from us and the people they associate with, and we have direct control over that as parents. Get them and ourselves help if necessary, but deal with it now and it is easier to change the negative thought process.

While this sounds like a bit of a disorganized rant I hope you have been, at the very least, able to stop long enough while reading this to notice those that are impeding your personal development in your personal life and in your business life by their negativity. I further hope that you are able to combat that negative influence in your life and become who you are meant to be.

If this helps you do that in your business life then you have a shot to be successful and I am happy for you. If this helps you in any way improve in your personal life then I am absolutely thrilled and honored to have helped you. And finally, if this is able to help lead you to help, and it assists in saving your marriage, and possibly your child from self destructive behaviors that could affect him/her? Priceless.

Reform negativity when you can, remove negative influences and thinkers if you have to, but remember one thing, only you have the power to change your thoughts and your actions for the better or for the worse and sometimes it just becomes habit and habits can be broken.

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Benefits of Positive Thinking

Positive thinking is not the phony-baloney it was once believed to be. Numerous studies over recent years have shown that optimistic thinking leads to a positive attitude. People with positive attitudes live longer happier healthier lives.

Thinking positive is a choice. With practice it becomes a habit that will reap the following benefits:

Feel Better - When you're positive you'll feel better about yourself and life in general. It's impossible to feel positive and negative at the same time - so the more positive you are, the more positive feelings will come. You'll feel more peaceful, happier and calmer.

Obtain a Healthy Self-Esteem - Know and truly believe that you are a valuable person and have something to offer. Trust in yourself and your decisions.

Develop Positive Habits - When you feel good about yourself it's easier to develop positive habits such as exercising, eating right, quitting smoking, eliminating procrastination etc.

Enjoy Life to the Fullest - You'll have increased energy to enable you to achieve more in less time. Think about good happy things you want to happen and in time they will come to pass.

Be in Control of Your Destiny - Every ones lives are shaped by what they think about most often. You can have the life you've always dreamed of as you continue to take action towards your goals.

Better Coping Skills - Hard times will come, they are inevitable. When you're a positive person it will be easier to handle these situations.

Decreased Stress - Every day hassles that may have seemed traumatic to you in the past - will just seem to roll off your back. You'll have fewer problems with work and other daily activities caused by poor physical or emotional health.

Improved Health - Studies have shown that your physical health is influenced by your mental health. Research also shows that positive people experience less pain and fewer limitations when engaging in social in social activities.

Improved Relationships - You'll attract positive people in your life. When you're feeling good, people want to be around you more. The more you show gratitude and love for others - the more you'll receive.

Make a conscious choice - today and every day - to think positive. Keep in mind that unpleasant or bad events are only temporary. You may not be able to control the situation - But you can Control Your Thoughts and Attitude.

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My Mother in Law is Destroying My Marriage - Tips and Advice That May Help

Recently, I've begun to receive a lot of emails about in laws (particularly mothers and sisters in law) who the writer perceives is "trying to destroy my marriage" or "trying to drive a wedge between my spouse and myself." Often, the writer (which is usually a woman) will tell me that the mother in law never liked her, has never accepted her, and will never pass up any opportunity to cause trouble or to make the husband chose sides or to stir up some issue that is going to create tension and drama.

This is a tough situation. Your husband did not choose his parents and, like it or not, he's stuck with them. I mean, you can certainly divorce your spouse and not be legally tied to them anymore, but your immediate family (and especially the woman who gave birth to you) is yours forever. Add that to the fact that many mothers will cling onto their adult sons as though he's as responsible to her as her own husband and there is most definitely a recipe for conflict there. I'll offer tips and advice on how to best handle this in the following article.

Always Try To See Things From Your Husband's Perspective: I know that I am asking a lot when I tell you this. It's hard to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you are being attacked. However, it's so important to remember that your husband is the one who is caught in the middle. His mother will likely see any breaking away on his part as a betrayal. That's not to say that he does not have a responsibility to you - he does - and I will discuss that more below. But, you have to do your part as well. Before you make any requests of him, think about how you would want him to react if the roles were reversed. What if it was your mother who was creating tension and drama with him? Wouldn't you want for him to attempt to let this roll off his back rather than becoming angry with you and demanding that you put your own mother in her place?

Understanding What The Mother In Law Is Really Trying To Accomplish (And Not Letting Her Get It:) If you're right in your assumptions that your mother in law wants to break up your marriage, then what better way to fight fire with fire by ensuring that she doesn't get her wish? Don't play right into her hand. What she really doesn't want if for you to go about your business completely happy and unaffected by her games. So, this is just what you want to happen, of course. Your best defense against her is a happy husband who is oblivious to all this drama. If he's happy at home, then he isn't likely to listen to her criticisms or even to pay attention. This is your goal.

So, remain lighthearted when she's flinging her barbs. Act as though she is literally joking. You want to let her know that you really are laughing her off and that her attempts to hurt you are not only missing the mark, but are giving you something to be amused by. My aunt used to tell me to "kill with kindness." This is great advice in this situation. The meaner she gets, the more you should smile. This will annoy her more than anything. If you become angry and have a negative reaction, then she's won that hand. But if you smile and then dismiss her, this is going to make her very frustrated. And, if you keep up this game long enough, she just eventually might quit playing.

Creating A United Front With Compromise: Up until now, I've been asking you to do all the giving, but it's not asking too much to ask your husband to set some boundaries too. This doesn't mean that you should ever ask him to estrange himself from his mother. But, it's not unreasonable to ask him to set some limits. You are a family too now and you may want to spend some holidays alone or with your own family. You may not want to have to have Sunday dinner at her house each and every week. There is a happy medium in all of these situations. It's not fair to ask him to make drastic changes but there's nothing wrong with cutting back. This gives every one at least some of what they want.

Understand what your best case scenario is. I'm betting that you want for your own family to be a priority and to be happy. And, you probably want your husband to be happy without any unnecessary stress regarding your or his extended family. So, always keep this in mind and control what you can. In truth, you can not control how your mother in law or your in laws act or what they demand from him. But, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can control your own immediate family. So, strive to keep him as happy as home as you can and limit your negative contact with the in-laws as much as you feasibly can by setting limits.

At the end of the day, you have to remember that it's your job to safeguard your own happiness and well being. Because the wife and mother's mental health and piece of mind affects every one in the family. Don't let her (or them) get to you and affect your happiness. They want to whittle away at your family? Well, give them just the opposite. Make sure they know that your family is so strong and deeply connected that they are only wasting their time. Respect that your husband can not chose or force his family to behave. You can not control others. But, you can control yourself and your reactions to them. Always make sure that these reactions are in the best interest of your own family, not theirs.

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What's in a Word?

Words impact our lives and have more power than we can imagine. Words create the core of our communication, personal expression and are powerful enough to manipulate our reality and existence. Think I'm speaking "out of context?" Then, why at age 50 are you still allowing the critical words spoken to you by an angry parent at age 10 to control your life today? Words create an image or perception of ourselves or what we believe others perceive us to be and have an energy that either increases or diminishes our self worth and confidence. Words are power, and yet we are often careless with what we allow to roll off our tongues during everyday conversation. How many of us really "think before we speak?"

Here's an example. Right now, "try" to stop reading this message. You either stopped reading or you continued to read, but you did not "try" to stop reading. Webster's definition of the word "try" reads, "to make an attempt." The word "try" keeps us in process rather than takes us to completion. Yet most of us habitually make daily use of the word "try." "Try" is a word that tears us down because it traps our energy in process mode rather than free our energy in expressive mode. When you say, "I am "trying" to accomplish something," you are really saying, "I am making an attempt but not really doing it." If you say, "I am trying to change a bad habit," you are really saying "I am making an attempt but getting nowhere."

Here's another example. The word "decision" means, "to cut, as if with a knife." Its root is related to the words suicide, insecticide, pesticide, and homicide. All words related to death. It's no wonder we often feel stuck when we are in the position of making a "decision." Unconsciously we are saying: "If I take one option the other option will die. What if my decision is a mistake and there's no turning back?" By replacing the word "try" with the word "choice," we change the power of our options. The word "choice" means, "making a selection, the opportunity or power of choosing" To live in the power of choice frees and expands our energy. The word choice builds up life creates options.

Just think how much we drain our precious life's energy when we say, "I am "trying" to make a "decision!" We become exhausted, frustrated and often times give up all together. I say, "stop trying!" and never make another "decision" in your life!" Use the power of your words to affirm the choices you claim for your life.

Here are a few other words worth rethinking:

When you say "but" you negate all the words preceding it.

I like you but...)

The word "just" minimizes the words following.

(I just want to say ...")

The word "remember," affirms, the words "don't forget" assign judgment

(Remember to pick me up after school.)

What's in a word? The energy of your life! Empower yourself to change your life by changing your vocabulary! Think about it!

To receive a FREE gift from Sharon visit http://www.Livingatyes.com/WorkingForGod/WorkingForGod.php

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Confronting Conflict - How to Decide If You Should Without the Benefit of a Crystal Ball

I sure could use a new device, something that crosses a crystal ball, a graphic equalizer and a Richter scale. I'd use this device to make consistently wise decisions about whether or not to confront a conflict.

Having been raised in a "take all comers" kind of family, I'm trying to achieve a bit more balance by asking myself, "When I look back in 30 years, will I care about this dispute?" That's where the crystal ball would be helpful. A human graphic equalizer of sorts would also be handy to help, as a stereo manual reminds me, "correct for room difficulties, speaker anomalies, and individual performer preferences." And a Richter scale would round out the picture nicely by helping me analyze the magnitude of my own and the other person's emotional energy.

Since I'm without the technical prowess necessary to create such a device, I'm left with making decisions to confront based on sound judgment. The good news is that such judgment can be informed by a few criteria to help guide my (and your) thinking:

How important is this, really? If it's truly a trivial matter, then I'm wise to let it roll off my back. My husband likes to guide himself with the good question, "Will I ever see this person again?" If you were raised in a family on the other end of the continuum from mine, and have a tendency to avoid conflict, this is an equally-and maybe more-important question. Tactfully confronting important conflicts usually strengthens relationships, even if the short-run experience is uncomfortable.

Is it cumulative? Taken individually, some problems and differences seem minor. Taken as a whole, they may suggest a wider pattern that needs addressing. When debating whether or not to confront a certain situation, step back and look at the cumulative effect on you and others.

Am I seeking short- or long-term results? Taking the long view reduces the danger of trading long-term accord for short-term relief, though it may be the short-term relief that's occasionally more preferable. A former colleague of mine ran the student housing department for a small college. She often reminded staff that writing students up for every minor infraction of residence hall policy usually resulted in a general feeling of ill will between students and staff, and that a better approach was to spend energy building relationships and focusing on truly important violations.

Will confronting make a difference? For those of us comfortable confronting conflict, such realistic assessment helps us pick our battles. For those of us who prefer to avoid conflict, this question could be used as a crutch to continue the avoiding behavior; we conclude prematurely, "Oh, it probably won't make a difference anyway." Knowing what kind of difference I'm seeking certainly helps, which brings me to...

What is my intention in confronting? Is my intention to change the person or the situation? Mark Twain once said, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and it annoys the pig." Most people don't have an interest in changing until they're first understood, so it's usually not very effective to enter a conflict conversation with a demand for change. If I confront a conflict to change the person, I may be doomed to failure before I even say a word. If I confront a conflict with the intention of changing the situation, then understanding the other's perspective becomes critically important and my likelihood of success increases dramatically.

Is the timing right? The most important conversation in the world needs good timing to increase its effectiveness. Confronting my spouse about sharing more of the housekeeping isn't likely to go well if I do it while he's in the middle of grading student papers and on a deadline to submit them.

I'd still like that new device, of course. But only to supplement my informed human judgment.

Copyright © 2004 and 2006 by Tammy Lenski. All rights reserved.

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Remember What a Great Feeling It Is to Be in a Happy and Intimate Relationship

In my practice I see couple after couple who got so busy with everyday life; the demands of kids, work, house etc that they have lost touch with themselves, each other and the relationship. This often happens without anyone realising and leads to him or her simply one day discovering a lack of connection with his or her partner, and often a notion that the relationship 'is over' takes shape.

Furthermore when a person is tired / stressed / burned out / exhausted / depressed he simply cannot be his/her best self and thus also not be his/her best self in the relationship. When both are in this predicament we end up with a relationship where each partner is often barely coping, and neither one is able to be a constructive force in the relationship. A downward negative spiral fuelled by blame, criticism, anger, misunderstanding, frustration, distance and lack of support takes effect.

I have often thought about the enormous value of teaching, and so preparing, our kids from when young, through programs throughout school, for relationships. Somehow we are expected to just know how to have and foster healthy relationships! In my own life, and through my counselling work, have I realised that we mostly don't simply have an inherent sense of how we are supposed to be a good partner and how to live 'well' together. Everybody at some point in time face challenges in their relationship. (And if our examples growing up had been less than favourable, then even more so.)

This education should include the information that often we may differ, but that difference is often good, as individuals and as male and female, how to handle this, the issue of tolerance and healthy communication, and all specifically pertaining to forming and maintaining constructive relationships.

Instead of 'Cinderella fairytales' we must educate our children on rather what it takes for a couple to live together successfully. Getting the message across that a relationship is like a flower that needs continuous care and attention and if you don't water and care for it, it withers away (even after years of being together). Thus, education emphasising the work and attention we need to put into our healthy relationships is needed and that a good relationship doesn't just magically appear with a 'happy ever after' label if the partners are 'right' for each other - even with the best union ongoing care is essential for a good connection.

So those of you who currently find yourself in a dry flowerbed in your relationship, take heart, it usually doesn't mean it is all over. There are skills to learn, strategies to apply and plans to make. Let's start watering by nurturing and caring. (Again remember that most couples feel like this at some point and you are thus certainly not alone). And yes, caring and nurturing even if you feel 'done in', or rather to be the one who 'deserves' the caring and nurturing.

Remember what a great feeling it is to be in a happy and intimate relationship. You can have that contentment again! A few changes can make a huge difference. Here are some specific ideas:

Have a 10 minute a day conversation (hey, there is always something to be said about the news, work or simply enquire about each other's day)
Choose to be happy and kind - rather than having to be right.
Saying 'how can I help you?'
Saying 'how are you?'
Unexpected kiss/hug/smile.
Often kiss/hug/smile.
No blaming!
No criticising!
Decide to not get sucked into negative situations or emotion.
Decide to not get offended over trivialities - let it roll off - yes, you have the choice.
Extending acceptance (hey, lets show each other a bit of grace).
Focus on the friendship, remembering what you used to do as friends and do some of those things again. Think about how we treat our friends - do you treat your partner as gracious?
Boost your partner's self-esteem.
Don't vent / dump your frustrations on your partner.
Accept the challenge to inspire or influence your relationship by being the best you that you can be. Bringing the best that you can in to the relationship. (Pretend that the world is watching and that you are setting an example of how to be a happy, healthy and loving partner in a relationship. And do too remember those little spectators in your life). Dare to see the effect this has on your partner and relationship!
Treat the people closest to you the best - not the worst!
Come on - be creative.
Take responsibility to be a happy, healthy, individual in yourself and see the positive effect you have on the world around you. (Emit that positive energy and receive some back)
If you need to, talk to somebody who can support you to get to where you want to be in yourself and in your relationship - It is worth it!!

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4 Tips to Save a Marriage

Trying to save your marriage can be as simple as following the 4 tips listed in this article. But oftentimes, couples won't even try. These tips are easy to implement, make perfect sense and don't even cost a lot of money.

To begin to save your marriage, our first suggestion is to just stop the fighting. Arguing incessantly actually solves nothing and makes everyone feel terrible. Bite your tongue, count to ten, whatever it takes, just allow the statement to roll off your back and disappear. Ignore it, forget it and leave it be. As long as you do not harbor a grudge, no one will be harmed for it. So what if the other said something erroneous? Really, how has it changed the world? Don't make so big a deal of it and just let it go.

And yes, you're probably the one that's going to have to make all the compromises, at least at first, until your partner realizes the futility in arguing with someone who refuses to argue back. Unless your partner is trying to learn the same skills, you might do well to remember that the other one in the argument just doesn't get that arguing is fruitless. It is usually true that, while both may want to save your marriage, only one of you might actually be working towards that end.

When your partner makes an obviously wrong statement and you know the correct answer, just think it to yourself, in your own head, and do not verbalize it. If your partner says the sky is green and the grass is blue, YOU know the difference and arguing is a waste of breath. Let it go. Ignore the bait. Figure out what's more important, being right or trying to save your marriage.

A second tip for reclaiming marital bliss is to take a step back in your relationship and start dating again. Dating each other, that is! Remember what you felt like when you were first dating? Everything was exciting and new. Reclaiming even some of that spark will go a long way towards each of you remembering what you hooked for in the first place and may just be the thing to save your marriage.

It isn't an easy thing to do, striking that spark again, especially if there is a lot of resentment over current issues. Try to make a promise to each other to set aside resentments and current issues for at least the few hours you are together on an official date. By setting the troubles aside, you will each start to look at each other the way you used to.

Many times, couples get into ruts and the marriage becomes boring and predictable, which may lead to some of those resentments piling up. Save your marriage by shaking things up with a surprise date and that might just brighten things up enough to start talking, peaceably, about the "good old days" when you were just courting each other. This is a sure path to save your marriage.

The third recommendation to save your marriage is to consider how your partner wants to be loved, and give that to them. By this time in your marriage, you probably already know what makes him/her the happiest. Some partners need constant reassurance that they are loved. Some liked to be reminded in small, thoughtful ways. Everyone wants to feel treasured and treating a partner like a valued, cherished gift works wonders.

Doing a chore that a loved one doesn't like to do is a thoughtful gesture. Offering your coat on a cold day brings gratitude. If picking up after yourself has become an issue, strive to be a little neater and take some of the chores off your partner's hands. These little things are effective and will make your partner happy.

And lastly, give your partner a hug. Sex is not the only physical act that makes a partner feel good and is not necessarily what a marriage is all about. To save your marriage, you really need to show some physical attention, in the way of kisses, hugs and loving strokes to your partner. It conveys a strong message that you do, indeed, want to save your marriage.

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A Beagle's Thanksgiving Tale

Happy Thanksgiving!

People have Thanksgiving traditions which more often than not involve their pets. In our case, I was invited to my mother's for the traditional meal of luscious turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, cranberry sauce (the real kind that retains its shape after being removed from the can), stuffing and all the accouterments which make this a family holiday so special. Did I mention the clam dip? Oh, we are talking heaven here. I made sure that my family understood, no clam dip, no appearance by me. My mother surprised me by asking me to bring our beagle, Bailey. They dog sat her for a weekend and seem to like her. I weighed the pros and cons. If we took her, we wouldn't have to beagle-ize the house...make sure anything she could reach and was vaguely edible was behind locked doors, at least 6' from the floor, and couldn't be shaken to the floor. We learned early on that the beast was clever enough to keep shaking the table until whatever was on it even though it was pushed back against the wall, would fall over and with persistent shaking, it could be made to roll off the table. We lost several jars of peanut butter because the cur figured that out and we didn't. She thought no one was home, she did this, and then she was caught in the act. Oh, and she knows how to open a jar after the first time it has been open from the factory. She then licks down as far as her tongue will reach, hides the jar in the couch, under a bed, or behind something for later snacking. Back to the debate of whether or not I should take her to my mother's.

Another consideration is having to take the animal unawares. Bailey reacts the same way to going in the car as she does getting a bath. The slightest inkling we might be going somewhere and she takes off for under a bed. She could probably live under there for days because if we do not check regularly enough, she has quite a stash under there of peanut butter, jelly, and sometimes bread. My son and I speak in whispers about how to achieve getting her leashed and out to the car. But, Bailey is a clever dog. Things that tip her off: entire family grooms themselves with care, she may hear the car keys, she sees us beagle-ize the house, put the garbage on the back porch, and gather things together that we are taking. There is also having to keep an eye on Bailey while we are visiting because if no one is looking, she has no problem snatching something off a table and making a run for it. She also will try the nonchalant approach of quietly and delicately taking something off a plate on the table and slowly walking from the room with her prize. There would be lots of food on tables. It gets annoying when you have to constantly watch her and you can't really enjoy yourself. Also, their parakeet, Max, would have to be locked away in a safe room. The first time Bailey was introduced to him she licked her chops. This did not bode well for any type of lasting relationship. Worst of all, between the mooching and laying exhausted on the couch, she would need to be taken outdoors. This means having to stop whatever I was doing and take the beast out.

What eventually happened was that I got all sentimental and agreed to take her. I used to take my first beagle, Porky, to my mother's for every holiday. He rarely smelled bad (he didn't like baths, but he was small enough that he wasn't able to put up much of a protest). He really enjoyed being there even apart from the food and the family enjoyed him. Bailey? Being there is great, but, she hates riding in a car. See the part above where she hides under the bed. I thought my son and I were very careful and didn't do anything to let her know we were preparing to go. She disappeared under the bed so something tipped her off. Unfortunately, the door to the bedroom can only be locked from the inside and it never stays latched or we could just keep her out of there. Not to worry, we still had time before we left. Time enough to let her forget and come out on her own. We went about doing what we usually do. No dog came out of the bedroom. I rustled bread wrappers, opened the fridge door, random cupboards, and loudly dropped food on the floor. Still no dog. We used to knock on the front door and pretend someone was there. It worked for about 3 times. Now, she just lays under the bed and barks from there. It was getting to the time when we just had to leave. The decision was made by my son when he looked at me and said, "I'm going in". Luckily, the dog was only just under the bed and not all the way under in the far corner against the wall. I heard scuffling, elbows banging on the floor, heads banging on the bed, a muffled, "Help me" and as I ran to the rescue both emerged from under the bed blinking and sneezing. My son was triumphant, the dog, not so much. The leash was applied and she reluctantly went outside. After doing her "business", which showed she had been eating something she probably shouldn't have. It looked like paper. She was led to her doom, the door opened and ordered to get into the car. Bailey knows resistance is futile and she jumped in. The car is a mini-van and she rushed to the other side of the car, laid down and put her head under the seat.

Drives are quite uneventful with Bailey. We forget she is in the car. She cowers with her head under the seat and will come out to look out a window when we slow down or stop for a light. We've taken her lots of places that she loves going. To get ice cream, go for runs in fields, to see my other son, the Grandma's house, but she just hates the car. Our border collie Fergus was like that too until we had a really bad storm coming and I had to go to town. He looked at the storm, listened to the thunder, and decided it was safer in the car with me and he would not take no for answer. He came with me. From that time on, he liked the car and would sit in the front or back seat with the window slightly rolled down so he could sniff the air coming in, pant, and get saliva all over. I mean ALL over. Back to Bailey. We got to my mother's and she knew where we were immediately and was jubilant beagle which got really happy when we went inside and she smelled the cooking and snacks on the table. She got a few crackers and was banished from the kitchen when no one was out there to watch her. She spent the rest of her time following around anyone that had food and giving the beagle mind control look at them trying to bully them into giving her some. Everyone had been warned that the few crackers she got were enough and they were not to give her any more. She finally gave up and went to sleep on the couch.

Dinner time came and as is tradition, the animals in the house get a little of the dinner. This was all right by Bailey. She got a little turkey, lots of vegetables (she loves vegetables...especially swiss chard and asparagus), stuffing and a little gravy. Not much more than she would have gotten if she had been given her dinner in dog food. No bones because poultry bones are especially bad for dogs. They splinter and a dog can choke on them. No pie because it was chocolate...very bad for dogs and no apple pie because it's too good to feed to dogs. Fergus loved apple pie. My ex mother in law made a pie for us. My ex husband was home for lunch and was sitting by the pie. He left and I was in another room taking care of a baby. I came back and thought it would be nice to have a piece of pie. I went to cut myself a piece and noticed that my husband had picked all the filling out of the pie and had only left the bottom crust in all but a few slices. I was, to say the least, quite irate. I'm not saying this was the reason for our divorce, but it contributed. I ate the bottom crust because I like crust and had a few unkind words to say to him when he got home. He acted surprised at the accusation and vehemently denied doing such a thing. Fergus came into the room looking hopeful for more....pie. It was an awkward moment when I realized the dog had been at the pie. I tried not to think about the dog busily lapping up the pie and leaving the crust that I had eaten. I apologized to my ex and had words with the dog instead. To my knowledge, Fergus never took another thing off the table until he got to be about 12. I think he was getting a little senile or the beagle was a bad influence. He got up onto the table and ate off one of the kids plates after we had finished dinner and the kids had left the table but my ex and I were still sitting there. Anyway, Bailey did not have any dessert or clam dip. Shellfish are not usually part of a dog's diet and I didn't want her to go into respiratory arrest if she was allergic to clams.

When it was time to leave, she realized we were going in the car again. She put her head under a chair and tried to look invisible. It didn't work and she was hauled out to the car. Bailey was really happy to get home and it was then that I made a horrifying discovery. She may have taken this out of grocery bags when they were sitting waiting to be put away after a shopping expedition. She had gotten and eaten an entire pound of butter, complete with the wrappers. That's what was in her stool! It was the wrappers. The aftermath is sometimes the only way we know when she's been stealing. Ah, the joys of owning a garbage disposal for a dog.

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Minded mother-in-Law

Of course there are ways and malicious laws. But certainly there are many thoughtful, caring mother in law, who are often unfairly slandered. I know dozens of interviews that many women, the success of many mothers struggle to become law still felt inadequate and disappointed.

If we complain of our mothers-in-law, you'd better remember that one day we will have the title. What would we learn to keep us tagginga joke or a complaint later in life?

Our mother in law is sensitive and affectionate, but sometimes leave us perplexed. Here are seven observations help us understand their behavior:

First, understand the intense love we have for our children, the dangers of driving us to defeat any perception. Our mothers-in-law feel the love for our partner. He or she can be grown and gone, but still wonderful love.

-Doing the crazy behavior is often caused by secondaryAnxiety, loneliness and insecurity. We can not treat these things in the other, but if we are working behind the scenes, we see that the conduct is not about us.

Thirdly, another person can not behave like us, but we can clearly and consistently about our needs and expectations. Since establishing the boundaries for our children, we can establish the limits of our mothers-in-law. to help both the love and goodness of cases.

The fourth is a history of connective tissue. Explained storiesWhat's happening in our lives is to build connections and intimacy. If you freeze a mother-in-law, because we care about their answers, can drive you want ways to find a link, even a negative, even more.

Our partner is the fifth to make it clear to his mother about what can and can not take place in the family. Explain what your family does not mean. You can create a healthy environment for employment and better, as tensions in the kitchenSurface. You could say that our partner, "I know that his mother would feel terrible if they have not released what could be a successful marriage, but when you bring discord at home, you have no success will help us in this marriage."

Sesto all want love and respect. While mothers-in-law, the primary responsibility, love and respect, have a daughter or son-in-law revision, but also want the feeling and it hurts, it hurts me a lot when imagine that they are notaccepted.

We listen to the advice of our mother in law and said: "Thanks for helping me .. I do not know if you follow this advice, but believes that you care for me," If the council makes us feel bad, you can that too. "I know that I want to help, but if you tell me the best ways of doing things is all that I feel that somehow I'm not good enough. Maybe this is stupid, but I want you to know that what is happening it is not useful for me. I just loveleave me my mistakes and find ways to do better. "

Seventh If our mothers-in-law said something that probably should not be offensive or stupid, but do not respond ... even record. E 'is a good idea to change the subject, look for humor, laughter our own follies. Sometimes it is better to let out all of our shoulders.

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Love Test - What I learned in hot water for a year?

Pain has been my greatest teacher. Imagine the pain of a broken heart, grieving a divorce, compounded by the pain of a broken neck disconnecting your brain from controlling your spine. Imagine pain preventing your head from resting on a pillow, your hands from lifting anything heavier than a feather, your feet from shuffling you forward any faster than a snail's pace.

Imagine your stomach spitting out pain pills on the path through your broken neck, causing more pain. Imagine the only relief from this pain is found while doing a back float in a bath tub--during a year or more of recovery. Now that you've imagined this pain, you may understand the lessons it taught me during my year of floating in hot water:

Pain taught me how to love stillness

Outside information felt like an assault that rattled my neck, so I tuned out the media, the telephone and the computer while I turned my focus inside. If the silences between the notes create beauty and meaning in a song, then silence became the music in my life.

Pain taught me how to rise above it

Every negative thought caused me to sink further in pain. So I chose to ignore my inner critic, who'd often complained or focused on negatives. As I let each troubling thought roll off my back, my inner critic went on permanent vacation and I floated in light-hearted peace.

Pain taught me to feel thankful for each sweet moment of relief

If pain were a monster in a horror film, I shut my eyes and learned to find safety inside--trusting that all is well, and as it should be in each moment.

Pain taught me to remember the love

Focusing on lost love from my late parents or my former husband only caused more pain. As I focused on the love that survives physical death or the death of a relationship, then I could savor all the love that remained in my heart to support me.

Pain taught me to express my creativity in ways that lifted my heart, mind and spirit

As I began each 24-hour cycle alternating between two hours floating in hot water to get some sleep and two hours sitting at my desk to do some work, I started writing my first book about my journey from lost love back into the fire of love. If a scene or idea didn't lift me up, then I didn't make room for it in my thoughts or my book.

Pain taught me ask for help

Facing the threat of paralysis if I got bumped even gently, I knew I needed help to recover from serious Injury. So I researched the options and weighed the medical risks of surgery compared with non-surgical treatments, nutrition and natural. Then have a safe and smart recovery. Although it was successful, expensive, experimental and not covered by insurance, so it was that I invested my money in retirement to regain my health.

The pain has taught me how to retrieve my body back to health

Eat only the finest organic products together, choosing positive thoughts, actions and friends and supportmoderate daily exercise are the secrets of a true health reform.

The pain has taught me to pay attention to the threats identified for long-term health

Since my childhood friends, and me behind the truck drove through the fog that our baseball games in the street every week in the summer is gone, no adult ever tried to stop us. We had no idea how to use DDT in the days when the fog to kill mosquitoes also can damage our health and weaken bones, even after years. What other titlesChemicals that are exposed today, with unwarranted confidence in their security?

The pain has taught me to enjoy the exquisite pleasure of love, inner peace, vibrant health

As I soaked in hot water for a year, I know, Let Love Lift Me Up when floating the river glorious life - without putting the banks of the pain. I feel honored that love of teaching when he chose the name for my book on the trip, the tribe blondes. Not a hair color, is a flexible spirit, vibrantthat unites us, helps us overcome challenges and create great relationships.

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